How to work from home 8 Aug 2011, 7:52 pm

I get asked all the time if I've learned anything about time management and motivation in terms of working from home. I think in the past few years a lot more people have taken that huge dive over the edge and are now going, wait. There's no one here to tell me what to do. I have to tell myself what to do. And myself wants to chocolate.

It's not always easy to keep myself from wandering all over the Internet, from twitter to design blogs to cat videos. OH, CAT VIDEOS. They need to make those things injectable, and then Jon would be all, dude, are you tripping? And I'd be all, I think I may have taken too much Determined Cat Trying To Fit Inside Many Too Small Boxes and OMG JON. YOU HAVE FEATHERS GROWING OUT OF YOUR FACE.

So I decided to make a video of what I do to keep my day from spiraling into pajama bottoms, chips dyed with genetically modified organisms, naps on the floor underneath my desk, and applying for cat adoption. I couldn't fit everything into a three-and-a-half minute video, so I concentrated on the main points. Other things to consider:

1. If you work with your husband like I do and you have children, make sure you both agree on a custody arrangement. Because divorce is likely. Or, you could do what we do and set aside a large amount of money for therapy.

2. Snack on raw nuts. So much better for you than that entire box of Cap'n Crunch.

3. Having lunch at home saves a ton of money and fuel. It also means you're not tempted to hop in and catch a matinée. (YOU KNOW YOU WOULD)

4. Just a friendly reminder to brush your teeth.

(FYI, I happen to know Tyrant's phone number, Y'ALL.)

Many thanks to Citrix Online for sponsoring this video. If you have any tips for how to work from home, please share the learning. Also, maybe we should form a union! So that we can't just up and decide to fire ourselves!

If you can't see the video, click here to watch it.

by dooce in Daily

© Armstrong Media, LLC. All rights reserved. Originally published by Heather B. Armstrong for dooce.com as How to work from home. This post cannot be republished without express written permission.

Torture 8 Aug 2011, 7:10 pm

We made filet mignon with a homemade basil sauce last night. I made them wait for the scraps for a good ten minutes, and they both sat there just like this the entire time.

What I felt in that ten minutes has to be what God feels like all the time.

click image above to see the photo on dooce.com

by dooce in Daily Chuck

© Armstrong Media, LLC. All rights reserved. Originally published by Heather B. Armstrong for dooce.com as Torture. This post cannot be republished without express written permission.

Even downtown 8 Aug 2011, 6:29 pm

Voices carry.

click image above to see the photo on dooce.com

by dooce in Daily Photo

© Armstrong Media, LLC. All rights reserved. Originally published by Heather B. Armstrong for dooce.com as Even downtown. This post cannot be republished without express written permission.

Move 5 Aug 2011, 10:43 pm

Eleven countries, one film, one minute.

(via Cameron Moll)

by dooce in Nubbin

© Armstrong Media, LLC. All rights reserved. Originally published by Heather B. Armstrong for dooce.com as Move. This post cannot be republished without express written permission.

Tusslin' 5 Aug 2011, 9:12 pm

Chuck is so ferocious when Coco criticizes his poetry.

click image above to see the photo on dooce.com

by dooce in Daily Chuck

© Armstrong Media, LLC. All rights reserved. Originally published by Heather B. Armstrong for dooce.com as Tusslin'. This post cannot be republished without express written permission.

The Camilla Series, no. 14 5 Aug 2011, 7:07 pm

Me: You wear this to church, don't you.

Cami: I teach Sunday School in this outfit.

Me: You're like, WELCOME TO THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS, BITCHEZ.

Cami: No, it's WELCOME TO THE BOOK OF REVELATIONS, Brothers and Sisters.

(You can find Cami here: camillacombs.blogspot.com. She is a lot of fun and only a little bit weird.)

click image above to see the photo on dooce.com

by dooce in Daily Style

© Armstrong Media, LLC. All rights reserved. Originally published by Heather B. Armstrong for dooce.com as The Camilla Series, no. 14. This post cannot be republished without express written permission.

New Tunes - The Antlers 4 Aug 2011, 10:36 pm

The Antlers are a three-member band based in Brooklyn. Other than that, all you really need to know is that the song "I Don't Want Love" off of Burst Apart is so damn beautiful:

We wake up with pounding heads,
Bruised down below.
I should have built better walls,
Or slept in my clothes.

by dooce in Daily, New Tunes

© Armstrong Media, LLC. All rights reserved. Originally published by Heather B. Armstrong for dooce.com as New Tunes - The Antlers. This post cannot be republished without express written permission.

Spots of sun 4 Aug 2011, 6:33 pm

My little blue-eyed butternut. I forgot how glorious two-year-olds are. Relishing this because three is going to suck.

click image above to see the photo on dooce.com

by dooce in Daily Photo

© Armstrong Media, LLC. All rights reserved. Originally published by Heather B. Armstrong for dooce.com as Spots of sun. This post cannot be republished without express written permission.

Paper weight 4 Aug 2011, 5:24 pm

If I told you what was behind that modesty patch today you wouldn't believe me. Trust me, you do not want to know.

click image above to see the photo on dooce.com

by dooce in Daily Chuck

© Armstrong Media, LLC. All rights reserved. Originally published by Heather B. Armstrong for dooce.com as Paper weight. This post cannot be republished without express written permission.

Wherein I go a touch more insane 3 Aug 2011, 11:15 pm

You know, it's been a little too quiet around here lately, and I'm thinking that I need some people to start yelling at me. So you know what we're going to do! DO YOU?! No, I'm not going to admit that I put Diet Coke in Marlo's sippy cup. But close!

We're going to talk about my diet! Because no one has an opinion about food! Certainly no one who reads this website. Especially those who would never admit to reading this website but refresh it every hour and then judge me publicly without ever mentioning me by name. So sneaky!

Yeah. I drastically changed my diet almost three months ago. Why haven't I mentioned it earlier? Because I know better! If I had said then that I was going to cut gluten, sugar and dairy out of my diet you guys would have told me that I was going to die! And I always believe everything I read.

Actually, it wasn't just gluten and sugar and dairy. I don't eat corn or beans anymore. Or rice. It's what they call the Paleo diet, one that is based on what humans ate prior to the Agricultural Revolution. So I eat a lot of fruits, vegetables, nuts, lean meat, and seafood. Sometimes I eat small children, but only if they've been grass fed.

Why? (Actually, you're thinking WHAT THE HELL.)

Well, I've told you guys that I've been maintaining a pretty vigorous work-out regimen for about eighteen months. And in that amount of time I've put on fifteen pounds, most of it muscle. I know a lot of exercise routines out there are formulated so that you're supposed to shrink, but that's not why I wanted to get in shape. No, I wanted to be able to crush things. Things like blocks of concrete. To save money on contractors!

I wanted some muscle definition, and I was getting there, sort of. I knew the muscle was there, it just wasn't appearing on my body like I had hoped. And when you work out as much as I do, your appetite sort of follows suit and there were days when I could have walked out into a field of wheat and plowed the entire thing with my mouth.

Hungry. All the time. No matter how many times I ate during the day I was still hungry. And bloated. And tired. It was like pregnancy without getting to blame a tenant in my uterus.

So I did some research, and then some more research, and when I read about the Paleo diet a lot of it made sense. And I thought I'd give it a whirl for, oh, a good seven days. Because there was no way I was going to make it more than that without cheese. You can take all the cookies you want JUST LEAVE ME MY HAVARTI.

So I did it for seven days, and then another, and then another. And then I didn't even notice that I wasn't eating cheese anymore. In fact, it wasn't until I went dancing with Cami and her friends for my birthday that I finally broke down at two o'clock in the morning, drove to the greasiest Mexican fast-food joint in town, and ordered a tostada "with as much cheese as you're legally allowed to put on that thing."

That was the best damn tostada a person has ever eaten.

I'm basically eating Paleo about 90 percent of the time. In that other 10 percent is a daily cup of coffee I cannot give up (splash of skim milk), red wine, and the meal I eat when going out with friends. Because I do not want to be That Person whose dietary restrictions infringe on the good time of everyone else in the group. Y'all want to get some pasta? HERE IS MY TEN PERCENT.

The results? Unreal. I've lost seven pounds, and I'm starting to see my muscles taking shape. I can already see an incredible amount of definition in my legs and shoulders. I'm never bloated. I have an enormous amount of energy. And, the best part? I'm never hungry. That doesn't mean I don't eat anything. I eat A LOT. But I'm never panicking because I'm so hungry that I might eat my own arm.

It's been a huge game-changer for me, and it hasn't been difficult. I know that sounds crazy, but I don't miss bread or pasta or chips. I don't even think about cookies or cake or candy bars. Am I forcing anyone else in the home into this crazy-ass diet that you're totally going to debunk in the comments? Totally! In fact, I stand at the dinner table with a whip and tell Leta that if she doesn't eat that slab of tuna on her plate I'm going to make her sleep with it.

by dooce in Daily

© Armstrong Media, LLC. All rights reserved. Originally published by Heather B. Armstrong for dooce.com as Wherein I go a touch more insane. This post cannot be republished without express written permission.